I’ll get right to the point. Because there’s no time to waste.

I suffer from depression. I take medication. And I have for 16 years.

I don’t readily admit it. In fact I’ve been ashamed of it for quite some time. I’m a Christian. I’m not supposed to need a pill. I have Jesus.

Four weeks before my first daughter was born, I lost my mom. The year prior to that, and for my entire pregnancy, my husband was losing his business. We lost both our vehicles. We eventually lost our home. And we came close to losing our marriage.

Two years later when the birth of my second daughter was days away, I thought, “This will be a breeze. My mom didn’t just die. I kinda know what I’m doing.” My bonus son had even moved in with us, so I was super on top of the mom gig. And although we were still climbing uphill from the financial loss, things were a little better. I still remember standing in the shower, my first day home with my newest baby, and thinking, “It is not supposed to feel like this. Everything should be good. Great, even.” And with an overwhelming oppression, I completely fell apart.

For the next two years I lived in a deeper fog than the two years before. I cried. I prayed. I cried while I prayed. I read scripture. I felt like a failure as a Believer. I told my husband I had absolutely nothing left, and that if we were going to make it, it was going to have to be because he fought for both of us. I just could not get out from under the cloud.

During a seemingly random appointment with a life insurance guy who happened to mention that certain types of breakouts on the face could be a sign of clinical depression – a “weird” thing I’d been trying to heal with Proactiv – my husband started to think we might need some outside help. He went to our pastor. He told him what I’d been saying. How I’d been feeling. And our precious pastor, who had struggled with depression himself, said, “You need to get her some help, and you need to do it fast.”

Doctor appointments were made, both the physical and the mental kind – which scared the snot out of him, but I couldn’t have been less affected by the idea of mental/emotional help. I just needed somebody to fix it.

The doctor explained it beautifully. “If we took a picture of Tamara’s brain before childbirth, and before all these life changes, and then we took an after picture, we’d have 2 very different pictures. Her brain chemistry has changed. And she can’t change it back.”

The prescription was given, and although picking it up at the pharmacy shook me a little, and I read over every possible side effect and just knew I was doomed to suffer them all, I started the medication. And counseling. That’s where I learned about the top 10 major life changes/events that can cause depression. I had experienced every single one. In a 12-month period. That knowledge alone was life-changing. And the counseling and medication were life-SAVING.

I’ve tried to go off this little pill 3 times over the past decade & a half. It did not go well. In fact it got worse and I truly remember thinking my family might be better off without me.

I’ve asked God to deliver me from this thing. Call it a spiritual problem. Call it a chemical imbalance. I just told Him I don’t wanna take a pill for the rest of my life. I have faith He can make it so. But as of yet, He hasn’t. As of tonight at 9:00 pm I’ll take my medication like I have every other night since 2002. And if this is the tool He uses to keep me safe, purposed, functioning and here, so be it. He’s God. He knows what He’s doing. And He’s always, always good.

My life is beautiful. My family is such a gift. I shudder at the thought of “what if” — what I may have given up had I not had a husband who listened, believed me and loved me enough to get me the help I needed.

Not every one needs medication. Not everyone will need it long-term. God can do anything. He could say “Be Well” right now and I would be. Or He could say, “This the way I’ve chosen for you. And it’s good.”

And it is. It really really is.

Don’t keep the secret. Satan thrives in your secrets. Because he knows his is the only voice you can hear. Talk to someone. And always talk to God. And if you’re the someone who’s being talked to, listen. Listen well. And move them out of that secret hell and into the beautiful life God has planned for them.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11